Coronavirus has changed the nature of how the UK operates over a few short weeks and many people are understandably frightened and worried by the huge uncertainty we all face.
There has been fighting in the supermarket aisles over toilet rolls. Thousands of businesses have collapsed in 20 days. Tens of thousands have lost their jobs. The NHS is being stretched beyond its limits and self-isolation of millions is kicking in.
It is understandable that emotions are high. For every person who implores us all to remain calm there is someone else who tells us to prepare ourselves and make sure we have sufficient provisions.
However you are affected at the moment, it is important to recognise that we are in a period of emotionally charged times. When a cough can create an argument, along with everything else, you need to think about your physical security.
Start with You
Make yourself take time to rationalise your own feelings and thoughts. Dr Steve Peters describes how we are all two beings: our calm rationale self, the person we want to be; and the emotionally charged person, Chimp, who sees everything as a challenge and potential threat to our survival.
Our Chimps are hugely important to us. They can be the difference between our surviving or falling victim. They trigger us to jump out of the way when we hear something, which saves us from being hit. Beware, however, our Chimps don’t see nuances and can also cause us to over-react.
When you are taking those few moments for yourself, open an internal dialogue with your Chimp. Tell it, in advance of any trip to the supermarket, for example, that you want to remain calm throughout. Tell it that you will respect the space of others, and that whatever happens there is no significant physical threat to you if you follow that direction.
Don’t Stoke the Fire
Should something happen, remain calm. You have, after all, agreed this in advance with your Chimp.
If other people are acting emotionally, then your additional emotional outburst will be the equivalent of putting petrol on the fire. The challenge is that we can fan the flames unintentionally through thoughtless actions.
You will probably remember a time when someone has told you to calm down and all it has done is fire you up. I certainly can. This apparently innocuous advice is unlikely to work.
Control your voice. Responding to someone in a high pitched, rapid fire voice, will communicate emotion even if the words you actually say are calming.
Take a deep breath and slow down. Try to employ the type of voice beloved of late night radio station presenters. A low, steady, confidence inspiring pitch to your voice will serve to deflate the situation. It sub-consciously tells others that there is no reason to worry.
Reflect what they are saying. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but nodding and reflecting/mirroring their words demonstrates that you, at least, recognise what they are saying. Using this as a consistent technique will help to build tactical empathy and may reduce any threat.
Try it.
Think about your body language. Standing square on to someone with arms ready, can appear highly threatening. Making little changes like holding your arms bent, showing your palms while angling them slightly down, in the internationally recognised, I’m unarmed and offer no threat manner, makes a great difference. If you are taller than the other person, don’t stand over them.
Accept that others are under pressure
The real challenge when acting emotionally is that our actions become selfish and don’t take into account the feelings or situations of others.
Everybody is potentially affected by Coronavirus, and we will all reflect that threat in different ways. When you see anybody you don’t know well, you will judge them on how they behave. Their behaviour at that moment may not give you an accurate picture of who they are.
Agree with your Chimp that you will recognise that people are under pressure and try to suspend any damning judgement.
In practice that may again require you to control your own emotions and give the other person the space they need. That doesn’t mean give in to inappropriate demands. It does mean practice empathy.
Keep a Gap
Social distancing is a phrase which has suddenly embedded itself in our vocabulary. Keeping a physical gap between you and others will not only limit your risk of infection, but will also serve to keep you safe from any physical assault.
Maintaining a gap between you and anybody who is venting their anger is essential. It saves you from being pulled into any argument. It reduces the risk of anybody striking out at you. You cannot be stabbed if you are a couple of metres away from the other person. Critically, space gives you time. It gives you the time to react and avoid any trouble.
You don’t need to make a big deal of putting the gap in between you. A supermarket trolley creates a great gap. So does a table, chairs. Try and keep the whole situation relaxed and normal.
Think Long Term
Finally, prepare yourself mentally for a marathon rather than a sprint. The temptation will be to buy into the aspirational timelines of others.
The duration of the outbreak will depend on many different things and is a global issue.
It will be fine to set yourself stepping stone timelines, such as 14 weeks of home isolation, if they get you to the point of, “then we’ll see what happens next”. Do not set such timelines as rigid, “it will be over by then”, ones. The risk of doing that is that you become emotionally tied to them and when they are missed you empty your emotional bank account further.
Such an emotional blow will be hard enough for a well-supported person. For people who are on their own, or are highly vulnerable, the risk of massive disillusionment may lead to bitterness and depression.
In his book, The Meaning of Life, Viktor Frankl observed, while in Auschwitz concentration camp, that otherwise healthy people gave up and died, sometimes only weeks before liberation, because their own emotional timeline had passed.
Preparing yourself for that marathon with no clear end date, means thinking about your, and your family’s, physical and mental health. However you have been communicating up to now, may not be sufficient going forward. Make positive changes to how you communicate. Make that phone call to the person you have drifted away from over the last years. Think about your local community, and if it is safe to do so, and you are capable, think about offering support to others who need it.
