The government advice for the coronavirus outbreak is very clear. If you are not needed at work, or if you’re able to work from home, then you should stay at home. For those of us in that category, that means a period of at least three weeks, so far, with the only opportunity to leave our homes being to get essential shopping, and to do some exercise.
It’s inconvenient, frustrating, may be having an adverse effect on our income, will test any under-lying cracks in our relationships and will lead to a spike in divorces. We know, though, it’s for our long term health and we can deal with it.
That is most people, but not everybody. There is another much darker side to being told to stay at home.
An estimated 7.5% of women (1.6 million) and 3.8% of men (786,000) experienced domestic abuse in the last year across England and Wales. In very rough figures, abuse may be going on in one in every 14 houses you pass.
It is difficult to identify someone who is being abused, and that assumes we are looking.
Abusive relationships occur in every part of our society. They are not restricted by social class, religion, wealth, fitness, or any other feature. Being the victim in such a relationship, and being told to stay at home, under the same roof as the abuser, for weeks and possibly months on end, is the equivalent of putting the prey in the predator’s cage.
Imagine an abused child. Until now, they have at least had the opportunity to attend school each day. With some luck, a teacher, a classmate or some other person may notice that that child is in difficulty. They may notice physical marks. They may notice a change of behaviour and inability to do any homework.
It will be the same for people who have been going to work, or a regular hair appointment, the gym, or any other location where social interaction takes place. The point is that up until now there have been people in positions to have an opportunity to spot abusive behaviour. That has now effectively stopped.
If You Are Being Abused
If you are reading this, and you are currently the victim of abuse, or sharing a property, home, or a flat, with anybody who has abused you, then there are three things you must know:
- The first is, that although the country is in lockdown, help is always available to you. If you need help it is there, and can be accessed 24 hours a day.
- The second is that the organisations, charities and refuges which provide advice and support to abused victims, are still running. The telephone and contact lines are still open. They understand that the current situation has increased the risk in many ways, and they will reach out to give you support.
- The third is, if you need to leave your home, because you’re in fear of your life; or of being assaulted; or you are just too scared to be in the property; then you should leave, at any time of day or night.
- If the threat is immediate, and you can, you should ring the police on 999, alert them and ask for their help and protection.
- If you are calling from a mobile phone, you can use the ‘Silent Solution’ system. Press 55 and the operator will transfer the call to the relevant police force as an emergency.
- If you have in place a pre-arranged code with a trusted person to let them know you need help, trigger it.
- The “Refuge” website has a Tech Abuse Chatbot if your partner is monitoring your devices.
- If you can, walk out of your property to a police station, to a friendly neighbour’s or relation’s house, or somewhere you will feel safe. Stay there until support reaches out to help make sure you are safe.
Being Ready To Help Victims of Abuse
In normal times, it is difficult to identify the victims of abuse.
The perpetrators, the abusers, often hide their behaviour in private and present a very different demeanour on the outside. Their actions are hidden.
Their victims, mainly women and children, may be too scared to speak. They may be scared of the abuser or an unknown future. They may feel an, incorrect, sense of inadequacy, or embarrassment that it is happening to them. Victims are often very good at hiding the situation from others, even behind successful careers or gregarious outgoing personalities.
It is, in short, difficult to identify someone who is being abused, and that assumes we are looking.
Some of the best ways we use in normal times including, noticing physical injuries, observing a change in behaviour, and building relationships are no longer available to us in the same way.
So here’s three things we can all do.
Keep in Touch
The first is that we can and must take the opportunities to speak with people whenever possible. That might seem obvious. You may already be ringing your auntie, your nieces and nephews. But if you run a football team, a hotel which has closed, or a hairdressers, why not ring those people each week to check they’re okay?
At the very least, they will still feel connected to you, and know that their isolation is not so complete. They will feel a sense of belonging and community. It may be that you provide an opportunity for them to speak out. It may be that you identify that there is somebody who is stressed and afraid and needs help.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re being abused. We are, after all, all under pressure. But, it may start to raise some concerns.
If you are a friend or relation of a person who you know has been abused previously, these calls are critical. Agree a code they can use to you, to tell you if they feel directly threatened so that you can immediately trigger help.
Say Hello
Assuming that you take daily exercise and the opportunity to walk around your local streets and neighbourhood, then you have a chance to see people face-to-face. Don’t ignore this. Say hello. Look them in the eyes and give them a smile, give them an opportunity to connect, even if they choose to ignore you. It is unlikely that anybody is going to open up to you and say they need your help, at that initial moment. Through doing this, though, you’re starting to build rapport. You’re starting to be a friendly face, and it may be that desperation forces them to open up and ask.
Taking your exercise at regular times, means you will spot others who are also out and about at the same time. Noting that they are not there one day, or that they are carrying facial injuries or limping, can give you the opportunity to ask if everything is alright.
We’re not supposed to stop and have conversations with people right now. If, however, you notice somebody is in difficulty then do stop, stand away from them and start a conversation. The worst that can happen is that you waste your time. The best, is that you save a life.
Approximately 1.6 million women and 786,000 men experienced domestic abuse in the last year across England and Wales.
Office for National Statistics
Do not judge
It is very easy to sit in your front room or look out of the window of your flat and see somebody who is out all the time. They may be acting irresponsibly, but pause for a second, and imagine yourself as an abused child. Wouldn’t you want to take every opportunity you could to be out the property that others call your home? It is possible that the person you see out on the street, and automatically consider to be anti-social and irresponsible, is actually acting in their own best interest, seeking to survive and put distance between themselves and their abuser.
You don’t have to ignore that person. Nor do you have to go down and immediately ask them if they’re in trouble. You can contact the police, who are particularly aware of the need for understanding and active empathy in how they operate right now. The officer may be the person who starts to sympathetically question why that person is out and about. They are observant and will notice if somebody has bruises on her face and is limping.
Your intervention may be the start of the process which leads to an abused victim been saved.
If You Recognise Yourself in the Abuser Role
The final group this post wants to speak to, is the person, the people, who are abusers.
Right now, you may not recognise yourself as that. You may be feeling all the stresses of the world, and you know that you react badly, even lash out and push people away or strike them. That doesn’t make you an abuser, not in your eyes.
Well, having read this, I hope that you will pause and think about your actions. Abuse takes many forms. If your relationship is now in that pressure cooker examination of being enclosed in a home with other people for a prolonged period, and you are feeling that stress has been getting to you, then you need to find a way to stop. You need to find a way to change your behaviour, quickly.
If that person is you, then speak to somebody.
- Speak to the advice lines, ask them for proper help and guidance.
- Flag up your understanding on the situation, so that others can offer educated support and advice.
- Try to practically change things at home.
- Don’t abuse alcohol.
- Don’t expect perfect. Everybody, and every system is currently under pressure.
- Speak to your partner and identify what you need to change.
- Try to build a routine that you all recognize and can follow. Create purpose in whatever you are doing.
In finishing, there is another terrible statistic about abuse in the home. When it comes to homicide, 74% of victims of domestic homicide were female. We all need to do what is right to stop the spread of coronavirus. We must also be aware that abuse is ongoing in our society. Enforced isolation is likely to lead to an increase in the occurrence of abuse. We must all look out for it.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Attributed to Edmund Burke and John Stuart Mill
