When your community, or country, comes out of the lockdown there are going to be a lot of people who are greatly relieved to have come out of a very stressful time in their lives. They may already have been exhibiting that stress to you, and even trying to unload it on you, during conversations over Zoom, Skype, Facetime, or even the phone. Now more than ever you need to practice active listening.
It sounds easy, but it is hugely demanding.
What is active listening?
Active listening is the practical action of focusing your whole consciousness onto what another person is saying. That includes what they’re saying, how they’re saying it, what they’re not saying, and even how they built themselves up to the moment of being able to say anything. To do that you need to be out to give absolute focus to that person.
It actually turns out, most of us are not good at active listening. We think we are but we are wrong. We think we are empathic and can tune in to other people, but really we miss the target so many times.
It is a salutory lesson, but attending meetings to present an opinion, running training sessions, and lessons in classrooms where we encourage interaction, sitting with others, is not the same as active listening.
Just think of the number of times you’ve been in a meeting. Imagine, it’s one of those where everybody has to introduce themselves at the start. How often do you actually listen to who everybody is and where they come from? Do you instead listen to a couple, and spend most of your time thinking about what you want to say, making notes on what you’ll say, and worrying that everybody is going to laugh at you for saying it.
When we communicate, it is said that 55% of our message is passed on through our body language, that 38% is passed on through the tone of our voice, the final 7% is dependent upon the words we actually say. Pause for a couple seconds, and just think about that.
Think back to the meeting scenario I just described, and ask yourself:
- How often do you really listen to everybody in the room?
- You may be diligent and write down everybody’s name, but did you write down where they came from, what their job was and what their body language was telling you?
- What notes did you take down about their voice and their tone?
- Did the way they sit or stand tell you anything about them as a character?
- Even, did the way they dress tell you anything about how they perceived themselves in relation to the meeting?
What is for sure, is that you will have made a number of early assumptions about certain people, even though you did not make notes to test those assumptions later.
Active listening is the art of hearing what people are saying without jumping to conclusions. Listen, make notes and assess it all later on.
Active listening is the stealth weapon of effective negotiation.
Robert Bordone Harvard Law School
What’s in it for me?
It delivers two massive payoffs.
The first is in supporting you. It helps you to understand the other person, to understand what excites them, what disappoints, what angers them, and the relationship between them and anybody else in their party.
When you are able to assess this, dispassionately, it will help you to understand the true intent of the other person, and thereby inform your own decision making.
Secondly, from the other person’s perspective it helps them to believe that somebody is listening to them. Think for yourself, how often have you said something out loud and thought that nobody was listening. It’s dispiriting and may affect how you choose to go forward.
If the other person, or team, believes that they are being listened to, and that their position is understood, then they become more likely to engage positively in any discussions rather than cut them short.
How can we develop our active listening skills?
There are a number of techniques we can use to develop our active listening skills.
Don’t multitask
The problem is that, often we don’t realise we are multitasking. Return to the meeting. It is your job to run the meeting, and you will benefit obviously from listening to the people. But, as it is your job to run the meeting, your mind is constantly thinking about the agenda, the next point to be made, who will be speaking, how long you have left, will you fit it all in, is the person taking the minutes capturing them correctly, and every other consideration which may come your way. In short you are multi-multitasking.
For that reason alone, during very important negotiations and discussions, many organisations such as governments, law firms, and big businesses, employ people just to sit there and actively listen to the other people in the room. Their job is to completely focus on what the other person or people are saying, and with that to take detailed notes that can be considered at the end of the meeting.
That person doesn’t have to worry about what you’re saying. Nor do they need to worry about how your company has chosen to frame its own argument. Their focus is completely on the other person or people. That is actually a very tiring job. The need to concentrate throughout is high and there are few opportunities to relax. That is why it is somebody’s full time job for that meeting or set of meetings.
In the film Runaway Jury, Dustin Hoffman’s legal team employs someone, Jeremy Piven, to watch the other legal team, and not worry about how the case is being managed. Watch this clip, and you will also notice that all of the others are watching the jury from a position of bias, ie thinking how it affects them.
Playback key phrases
In every sentence that you say, there will always be a key phrase or set of words. In my last sentence it was probably ‘always be a key phrase’. When you are able to playback to anybody their key phrase, you are doing two things.
You are demonstrating that you are listening to them by virtue of picking up on their precise words. In that way you are starting to create an empathy between you, as they gain confidence that you are actually listening. It doesn’t mean you necessarily have to agree with them, but it does show you have heard their key point. The best television and radio interviewers are great at this.
Consider an alternative. After the other person has spoken, you say, “okay, what I am hearing is that you …”. With such a statement you are focussing on yourself and whether your summary is right or wrong, you are potentially compromising any relationship between you over this discussion, at least.
The second thing you are achieveing by playing back key phrases is that you are providing an opportunity for them to say more, expand on their point. This is particularly powerful in negotiations as it invites the other side to say perhaps more than they intended.
Them, “So, we want to refresh the operational approach …”
You, “Refresh the operational approach”. Followed by a deliberate pause.
Them, “We believe that the current approach is …”
Manage your tone
In the US army there is a catch all phrase “Hooah”. Its brilliance is that its meaning depends absolutely on the tone with which it is uttered. It can mean:
- That’s brilliant
- We won
- We really screwed that up
- What are you on about
- That’s the dumbest thing in the world
- Let’s go
- … and anything else.
When you replay any key phrase you must manage your tone. Unlike Hooah, you don’t want there to be any unintended interpretation on how you are replaying the words.
Your intention is to reflect that you are listening and invite any more comment.
Remove distractions
It may seem obvious but remove distractions and manage your energy. Active listening is extremely tiring, particularly if you have not been in the habit of doing it before.
Don’t let yourself be drawn to your phone to check a message. Turn off notifications. Get rid of unneccessary activities in your location. Stop the ticking clock, and give yourself the greatest opportunity to focus.
You will have seen it a lot in films and documentaries where organisations which depend upon their listeners, set the conditions for them to focus.
And Finally
And finally, there is one key thing left. When you are engaged in any conversations in the next month, focus on active listening. It is a practical skill, and like all others, the more you do it, the better you will be.
If you want any help building your active listening skills within your organisation please email me at john@streetsafethinking.com.
